Best way to deal with drama in a rink? | Golden Skate

Best way to deal with drama in a rink?

sk8danceluv

Spectator
Joined
Jul 10, 2018
Our rink is really struggling with drama at the moment? I was wondering if any of you have any tips on how to encourage the skaters to build each other up rather than constantly tearing each other down. Maybe some activities that could help with "team building." I know that most rinks will have drama at some point or another, and it can be hard to get along in an individual sport sometimes, but our club is really trying to address this and bring our club together more.
 

karne

in Emergency Backup Mode
Record Breaker
Joined
Jan 1, 2013
Country
Australia
First things first: don't try dragging them to team building exercises. Those really don't work when people don't want to be there.

Second: what kind of drama? It's a bit hard to give specific solutions when we don't know the specific problems.

Third: "bring our club together more". Kay, that's fine, but has it occurred to you that some people really like this sport because it is individual and not a team sport? I know when I started skating I'd had more than enough of cliquey team sports.
 

rnois13

On the Ice
Joined
Oct 4, 2017
I think this matter is for the head coach to handle. They must know the dynamic in the rink to manage accordingly and encourage kindness even if it's little.
 

lyverbird1

Final Flight
Joined
Apr 18, 2015
Maybe an off-ice social event of a casual nature? I can only guess that the drama involves some level of personal dislike directed from one person to the other so maybe a different context of the people involved being together might help...
 

VegMom

On the Ice
Joined
Aug 25, 2017
Is it possible for there to be more adult presence around to help model positive interactions and help stop bullying?
 

bethy

Spectator
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Hi, the best way to do this is to create community. Find small and big ways for people to socially interact both at the rink and especially away from it. Start small by tacking on small things at the rink before or after an event. Then build from there. It will take time but be a great investment in fostering a wonderful community.
 

VegMom

On the Ice
Joined
Aug 25, 2017
how to encourage the skaters to build each other up rather than constantly tearing each other down.

This honestly sounds like bullying. I think calling it drama is taking it too lightly. I think you need to read and follow the advice for how to handle bullying in places like schools. You need to set clear rules for the rink that address the particular issues - teasing, taunting, name-calling, etc. and you need a plan for how to handle it. Adults need to take a pro-active approach and model the best behavior as well as to notice and be responsive immediately.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/respond/on-the-spot/index.html

If it's not true bullying then perhaps it's just conflict. So maybe you could try a guided conflict resolution session.

You don't want to try make the kids friends if they don't want to be friends. Instead, you want to set up rules or guidelines or rights - some clear, precise expectations about behavior. For instance, 'Everyone has the right to skate here without being teased or laughed at.' And you clearly explain to all the kids that it's absolutely not ok to make fun of other skaters.

You may also want to host some educational sessions for all your skaters that help them develop mental resilience.
 

mystery905

Rinkside
Joined
Jan 22, 2018
This honestly sounds like bullying. I think calling it drama is taking it too lightly. I think you need to read and follow the advice for how to handle bullying in places like schools. You need to set clear rules for the rink that address the particular issues - teasing, taunting, name-calling, etc. and you need a plan for how to handle it. Adults need to take a pro-active approach and model the best behavior as well as to notice and be responsive immediately.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/respond/on-the-spot/index.html

If it's not true bullying then perhaps it's just conflict. So maybe you could try a guided conflict resolution session.

You don't want to try make the kids friends if they don't want to be friends. Instead, you want to set up rules or guidelines or rights - some clear, precise expectations about behavior. For instance, 'Everyone has the right to skate here without being teased or laughed at.' And you clearly explain to all the kids that it's absolutely not ok to make fun of other skaters.

You may also want to host some educational sessions for all your skaters that help them develop mental resilience.

Excellent advice. People don't have to be friends with everybody. Respect for each other is key to a good environment.
 

theblade

On the Ice
Joined
Feb 15, 2018
I agree with concorde. And sometimes the drama comes from the top down at a rink. Unfortunately, some rinks can become the domain of certain professionals and if you are not a part of their group, that location becomes a difficult one to skate at. I am in a town with multiple rinks within an hour of each other. It is not convenient, but there are some rinks that our family doesn't use because the vibe is very specific and we are not part of that tribe.

What I have done (and this is an option that few families have the time/money/energy to pursue) is to mix the rinks our child trains at, and get lessons in certain rinks, while practicing at others. We also try to find ice at non-peak times.

I make it a point to be cordial when at the rink, but when I see certain parents of high-level skaters not mix much with others at a rink, it's easy to see why. There have been a couple of parents (only a few out of many) that I outright avoid due to their penchant for trying to stir up drama - or just from my general sense of us not mixing well.

The less people know of you can sometimes be better. "Familiarity breeds contempt," comes to mind. I generally am a social person, so it's a drag to have to be more reserved at the rink. But that seems to be a prudent way to avoid a lot of the back-and-forth that sometimes happens.
 

Vanshilar

On the Ice
Joined
Feb 24, 2014
Really depends on where the drama comes from. Is it from the skaters? The parents? The coaches? Rink management? Others who use the rink (such as hockey people or something)?

From what I've seen it's primarily from coaches, and secondarily from some of the parents. In which case what to do really depends on their status in the rink (i.e. if they're board members, how many there are, etc.). So it's difficult to give a one-size-fits-all reply without knowing more about the situation.
 

sandraskates

Final Flight
Joined
Oct 31, 2006
Country
United-States
Really depends on where the drama comes from. Is it from the skaters? The parents? The coaches? Rink management? Others who use the rink (such as hockey people or something)?

From what I've seen it's primarily from coaches, and secondarily from some of the parents. In which case what to do really depends on their status in the rink (i.e. if they're board members, how many there are, etc.). So it's difficult to give a one-size-fits-all reply without knowing more about the situation.

Yes. There have been many thoughtful replies.
It would be nice if the original poster came back to fill us in.
 

concorde

Medalist
Joined
Jul 29, 2013
When my daughter we little, our rink had high level competitive skaters and I would hear those parents say how nice and friendly our rink was.

Then a new group of coaches arrived and brought some of their skaters. From what I was told, the existing coaches did not want this new group since they were afraid it was going to change the rink dynamics but the skater director felt otherwise. Fast forward a couple of years and the coaches were right - the rink dynamics has changed for the worst. According to one of the skaters that takes from that new group, the new coaches tell their skaters that they are not talk to no one except their other students. Hence the coaches are the ones orchestrating the cliques. The skating director that hired the new coaches has since left.

Summers are the worse for two reasons. First, the kids are off from school so they can spend more time at the rink. Second, summer is when the competitions and the picking order changes year to year. This is my skater's third summer putting up with drama and each year, more and more skaters get sucked into the mess. Both the current skating director and rink manager are extremely aware of the current situation.

This group used to teach at two other relatively local rinks and now they only teach at ours. I'd love to know why they left the other rinks.
 

SmallAminal

On the Ice
Joined
Jul 26, 2016
Whatever the source of the drama, try not to get sucked into it or let your skater get sucked into it. There was a lot of drama at our former club and when I saw that the adult (coaches/parents/board members) drama was having an impact on my skater, I left instead of just switching coaches. We are now drama free and its so much less stress on everyone. I think the adults need to set a positive example - there was a lot of arguing/name calling/inappropriate arguments amongst the adults at our last club (sometimes on the ice or right in front of skaters), so it fostered a culture where the skaters thought that it was OK e.g. to tell a lower level skater that they "shouldn't be on the session" because higher-level skaters "deserved" to skate without lower level ones and to have parents loudly complain about it even though per the rules of the club they qualified. There was certainly a lot of this kind of bullying at that rink and I found it toxic and discouraging to developing skaters or those who were with a coach that wasn't regarded as a "somebody" by the skating director.

Like Karne, I don't think its necessary to "bring people together" and I agree with VegMom that you shouldn't force people to be friends. I think the best you can hope for is to have a cordial environment where everyone is given the space and opportunity to skate or work without harassment/bullying/intimidation or making it otherwise unwelcoming.

If the tone is being set at the top (head coaches and skating director) then I think it will be hard for things to change. However, if this is mostly just a problem amongst the skaters, then raise the issue with the Skating Director, especially if your skater is impacted.
 

hanyuufan5

✨**:。*
Medalist
Joined
May 19, 2018
If the drama is a bunch of divas who all think they're the best skater and all the little newbs can get out of their way, maybe have the rink split everything into advanced, intermediate, and beginner levels if the rink can afford it.

If it's bullying, well, bullies are basically acting like animals and do not have access to their human reason and compassion. When my cat is being big bad alpha male, there's no point in telling him to be nice or giving him his treats separately from the other cats. I lock him in the bedroom until he calms down, and he gets no treats. It's the same with bullies. IME, the only way to stop them is to give them consequences that are severe/restrictive enough that they'll choose to stop to avoid them. Don't let them skate until they can treat everyone with civility.

Team building exercises will likely backfire horribly regardless of what kind of drama. And if it's a bullying thing, please don't put them in some kind of resilience training. That's basically telling them that they're not resilient enough. If they're still showing up, they've already shown that they are.
 

bethy

Spectator
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Interesting to read the counter arguments to encouraging community building and bonding, etc. Basically, for our family, if our rink didn't have a relatively close knit and friendly community then my kids wouldn't be figure skating. Period. Not that our rink doesn't have some drama of course. And there are some families that choose to maintain strict boundaries between skating and their other lives and that's totally fine. But there is no way I'd spend this kind of money and time on *anything* that wasn't personally rewarding to me and my family and a place where we could make friends and build community.

But then we only have one rink within reasonable distance of our house so that's a factor . . .
 

SmallAminal

On the Ice
Joined
Jul 26, 2016
I wonder what happened to the OP - maybe they can't find the thread because it got moved into the Lutz Corner?

Is there a term for starting a thread or discussion and not coming back...LOL?
 
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