- Joined
- Feb 19, 2014
Yes, it was assault, and it was not okay. Sometimes, the assailant may be simply stronger, and fighting will be futile. Also, there're many situations when it's actually quite unwise to try to fight it (it's much better to be raped but LIVE, than be beaten into a bloody pulp and possibly become an invalid, or die). So...
However, what I can't help but notice (and I noticed the same in "metoo" debates) is the unfortunate tendency to absolve victims of ANY accountability whatsoever, regardless of the circumstances, and imply that a woman, by definition, is this whimpering shrinking violet, who has no say in whatever happens to her body, and who should never ever have to think about NOT putting herself into dangerous situations. That is simply not true.
As for "short skirts". My heartfelt belief is as follows. If a girls gets drunk and decides to undress, and goes for a butt-naked midnight stroll through a bad part of town, she has a right to do it, and it's not an invitation to assault. If she gets sexually assaulted - her assailant is 100% guilty, and should be punished to the full extent of the law, no excuses. However, his 100% guilt does not absolve her, of her own culpability in failing to exercise her responsibility of protecting herself!
We are responsible for protecting our bodies, our health, our possessions, and our lives. This is why girls should NOT be taught that "it's always okay to go for drunken butt-naked midnight strolls whenever it strikes your fancy, because no one has a right to touch you without your consent". Instead, girls should know that "while no one has a right to touch you without your consent, it's your primary responsibility to protect yourself; so be smart, be vocal, and learn both how to avoid danger, and how to fight back".
Life is a dangerous situation. We are all one Garlic Festival away from being in mortal danger of some kind.
We can lock our doors, leave the porch light on, never leave our drinks unattended, and take self defense classes. Is there a some magical combination of actions taken that allow her meet the standards of 'exercising her responsibility of protecting herself'? If she is carrying mace at the time is she 'absolved of her own culpability'?
Or maybe we could just drop our expectations of what she should have done and said to prevent all of this and support her/him unconditionally? Leave the fact-finding to law enforcement and the attorneys involved.
The only thing I want to hold a victim accountable for is telling the truth about what happened to the best of her recollection and ability. Shame and guilt and blaming themselves has already kept victims silent for decades. Has anyone other than perpetrators benefited from that? The statistics on unreported rapes speak for themselves. Also the conviction rate on reported rapes is just a tragedy. Trust me when I say there is nothing about our system making it easy for victims to come forward.
When someone is critically injured in a car accident do you ask if they were wearing their seat-belt? If they were speeding? If they were driving at night on that street that isn't well lit? If their tires were bald? Unless you are insurance adjuster, I hope not.
We need more compassion and empathy, not less.