Gabriella Papadakis: "I think I was burned out for a long time but it's much better"

[Andrina]

Gabriella Papadakis has been recently interviewed about her career: https://www.francetvinfo.fr/sports/...gtemps-mais-ca-va-beaucoup-mieux_6436591.html

I've briefly heard Dave from TSL mentioning it in his recent video but checked it out only now because Gabriella had posted an Instagram story today. She explained how spontaneous were her statements and how she was surprised to receive so many (positive) reactions.

The interview is in French, but easily translatable with online translation engines.

The main take-home message is that Gabriella has been in a denial for a very long time because of toxic climate in the figure skating world.

She has started a therapy and since that time she's going way better.

She says the decision about returning back to competitions is not taken yet but she still loves figure skating and wants to make it a better world and a safer space.

 

[Andrina]

Here is a rough DeepL translation. If you have any questions regarding the original French text, I am happy to help.

A World Figure Skating Championships in Montreal, Canada, without Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron, admittedly "feels weird". By their own admission, in fact. On the sidelines of the competition (March 18 to 24), franceinfo: sport spoke at length, in a quiet downtown restaurant, with the French Olympic champion, who has lived in Montreal since 2014, and has been on the sidelines since the end of the 2022 season.

Although they have yet to decide whether to return to competition, the Clermontois have been busy over the last 18 months, between galas and shows all over the world. It's a life still punctuated by ice dancing, their discipline, but far removed from the "systemic and unhealthy world" of skating, as Gabriella Papadakis courageously denounces, still struggling with certain demons from her past.

Franceinfo: sport: Gabriella, in the almost two years since you announced your break, how has your life and daily routine changed?

Gabriella Papadakis: We haven't been in Montreal very much. We've been traveling a lot more than we ever had, even though we were already traveling a lot. But it was great to travel, and to be freer. All our lives, we've been so used to having hardly any vacations... This time, we had more freedom, more autonomy, and less framework. I find that top-level sport allows and forces you to grow up very quickly in certain respects, but at the same time, it keeps you in a sort of permanent adolescent bubble. Because you're supervised, you have coaches and things to do every day. This break allowed me to take a step back, just in a healthy way, to individualize myself more. To think about myself.

How long did you stay off the ice after announcing your break?

I don't know exactly, but I'd say about two months. It was the first time in my life... And it was great! [She bursts out laughing] There's also the fact that in Montreal, and in Canada, mental health is a much less taboo subject than in France, and that's really good.

During your figure skating career, do you feel you were well supported in this respect?

[Long silence] No, not at all! [She bursts out laughing nervously] No, no and no! I find that in sport - and more and more people are saying this - we prioritize performance so much that we forget about people's well-being. We say to ourselves: "Because it's sport, we forget." I think we need to rethink this way of thinking in skating. We think too much: "Who cares if you're not good, as long as you get medals? And if you get medals, you'll be happy." But no!

Have you been unhappy during your career?

Who's been happy all their life? That would be too easy, and we all have our shits in life.

We can sense that you're particularly upset, even annoyed, by the current situation and system in the figure skating world...

The problem is that a lot of violence is allowed, accepted and normalized. And we think that the results will just erase or cancel them out, or allow us to forgive everything. But they don't! I sincerely believe that this violence is absolutely not necessary for success. There are still a lot of systemic problems, even if things are improving and evolving enormously.

More and more great champions are speaking out about their malaise, and even about the depression that may have arisen after their success... Have you too had this feeling of being caught up at some point by a psychological and emotional surplus?

Yes [she pauses and resumes] It's as if all the things I'd ignored - and put in little boxes my whole career - had come out.
It started a little before Covid, then really hit during the pandemic. All of a sudden, I was on my own. There was no competition, no adrenalin, nothing. Nothing. Suddenly, bam! You look in the mirror and tell yourself you've got to sort some things out.

How did you manage to keep going when you were in the middle of preparing for the Beijing Olympics [February 2022]?

Honestly, I don't think I did much [to get better] before the Games. I felt it was very existential, about a lot of my achievements and the [therapeutic] work that needed to be done. I think part of my brain was telling me, "If I do this before the Games, I'm not going to be able to go training anymore, and I'm going to be disgusted with everything." But that's normal, because therapy is always like that: first it gets worse before it gets better.

What enabled you to go through with it?

I assumed denial, I said to myself, "Let's put on some blinkers and get on with it!" But I didn't know what I was in denial about.

At the time, didn't you wonder what consequences all this might have for you?

No, because I was so keen to get my medal. I said to myself, "Come on, let's go for it! And I don't regret it at all.

Does this gold medal justify everything in this case?

No, it's not that it justifies everything, but at least there's this medal, and that's very cool. It also means we can finish on a high note, before delving into the past and all the other crap. I don't want to say that I've only experienced shit and that my career is horrible. No, of course not. That's not the case at all, but it's good to talk about it. What's more, I'd say that my greatest sorrow was feeling alone, apart of course from my nearest and dearest and my partner.
When I talked about it to lots of people close to me, especially women skaters, everyone said, "Yes, after my career, it took me too. No matter how great my career was, it took me years to make peace with certain things."

Would you like to talk about these problems today?

I don't know. [There are certain things I don't want to talk about, but, for example, everything that's happened in recent years with the Sarah Abitbol affair? Even if, afterwards, it was wonderful, because it changed a lot of things and enabled people to come out of denial a bit. It certainly got me out of denial too. All of a sudden, I said to myself: "Oh yeah, in fact, it was a climate."

Looking back, did you feel this "climate" when you were younger?

Yes, but it was so normalized... [She cuts off and starts again] It was so normalized that I didn't realize it. In fact, little by little, you grow up, time goes by, and you hear stories like that. You start to think it's not so normal after all. And maybe I have more after-effects than I thought.

What does that mean?

It's important to understand that these are not isolated acts, or isolated people. It's a climate. When I went on tour, for example, I was between 16 and 18. We used to go on tour with Gilles Beyer [who was accused of rape by Sarah Abitbol]. Who was drunk, who made comments all day long, and who went into the changing rooms when we were changing. We laughed about it because we didn't know what to do. There was no other way out. Everyone thought it was normal, and everyone acted as if it was normal. So yes, it's a climate.
You look around and see that people don't care. Me, I could see... [She pauses] I could see Gilles [Beyer], clearly... It wasn't on the scale Sarah Abitbol described. I haven't witnessed anything on that level, but still, it was very problematic. We already knew that he had a history of abuse, and that he was dealing with young people as if nothing had happened. In the end, you grow up saying to yourself, "I don't matter." That's hard. Very hard. And you don't realize it either. Of course, I didn't say that to myself back then. But now I realize that I trained for this sport with that feeling in mind.

You became aware of this during the Covid. Is that when you realized that you were in the process of burning out?

I think I'd been in burnout for a long time. And I stayed in burnout. Today, I'm much better, because it was [therapeutic] work that I couldn't do while I was skating. I couldn't face all those things when I was going to the rink every day. Hence the break. It wasn't the only reason, but it was part of it. I had to do it, and I'm glad I did, because it helped me understand why I was less and less motivated, and more and more demoralized.
It's still hard to express yourself. But now I'm able to find strength with other people, with my loved ones and so on. But as you can see, victims' testimonies are still so poorly received. It's hard to live with, it's surreal. When I see the number of people who have been through horrible things and know they'll never talk about it, because they know it will never be taken seriously... There's something very demoralizing about that. So yes... Honestly, I needed a break.

How do you feel today about all this?

What can I say? I think it's a process that takes a long time. And it will never be over. As anyone who's been in therapy knows, there really is no end. In any case, the best thing I ever did in my life was to start therapy.

Finally, what made you decide to see a therapist?

I'd started a little before [the Beijing 2022 Games], but I was having trouble finding therapists who were right for me.
It really happened after the Games, a little while after we announced our break. I'd been having the same difficulties for a few years. A friend of mine had gone through a therapeutic process and it had done her a world of good. I could really see the difference between before and after. That's when I said to myself: "I want this too.

Today, I realize that having been followed by someone outside the world of sport did me a lot of good. It helped me to "denormalize" things that, in reality, had made me suffer. To be able to say to myself: "That wasn't normal, that wasn't acceptable." I went to see the same therapist as my friend, but it took weeks. And it's funny, because it was during the last session that "the thing" happened. At least, the one where I said to myself: "If I don't get THE thing at the end of this one, I'm quitting! It's crazy.

Finally, where do you see yourself professionally and personally in the next five to ten years?

In the distant future, I have lots of ideas... [We'll see what comes up. First of all, I want to continue to make a positive contribution to skating. To do it more. I'd like to be part of the change and do what I can to keep the skating world evolving in a positive way, because I know the federation is very focused on fixing the past and making it as healthy as possible.

After that, I want to learn lots of things, have fun and keep skating for a long time. [Maybe in my own shows? Exploring my own practice. I'd also like to do things in other artistic fields, even if it means combining them with skating. Writing, theater, music, which I really like. I'd like to mix all my passions together.

 

[Magill]

Gabriella has just posted on her Instagram in response to many messages she's been receiving after this interview. The post is in French but she herself has inserted an English-language version in the post description, so just scroll down the page if you want to read it in English.
It seems like more and more skaters are speaking up on the toxicity of the figure skating environment. And the more of them do, the better chances are that things will change for the better. So kudos and all the best to her whatever she decides to do next.