Advice for new skate dad

[Sk8erDad]

First post- thanks for any and all feedback in advance. Background: My 9yo daughter has fallen in love with the ice. One LTS class turned to two, then freestyle sessions when she got to a high enough level, then a private lesson, and on and on. She has been skating almost one year and what I would call seriously for about 8 months. She currently takes three private lessons per week and skates 5-6 days every week (around 10hr/week with school in session). She recently competed in the excel beginner series. She has an elite coach. Her spins are developing nicely and she has begun working in a harness for her axel- she can do the single jumps below axel and some combo jumps.

My questions are:
1) what can I do as a parent to nurture her newfound love of figure skating? I try to let the coaches coach and be in a support role for her. I see different parenting styles at my rink and have decided to let the professionals do their job and just be there to tell her she’s doing great/proud of her/etc.
2) what are some of the bigger mistakes you see parents make when dealing with a young skater? I’m letting her decide how much she wants to skate every week.

I am blown away at this whole new subculture and think the entire sport is really cool. High level skaters make things look so effortless and I am just now understanding how difficult this sport is overall. My father in law is an ex professional hockey player and has commented that he has a whole new respect for the sport. I want to support my kid in the right way and cultivate her love of the sport. I’m also understanding that she is young and may decide to go a different path at some point of her life.

 

[Coach Aimee]

Welcome! U.S. Figure Skating has some resources for parents that are useful. I've compiled many of the documents here: https://skatewithaimee.com/parent-info

 

[Diana Delafield]

First post- thanks for any and all feedback in advance. Background: My 9yo daughter has fallen in love with the ice. One LTS class turned to two, then freestyle sessions when she got to a high enough level, then a private lesson, and on and on. She has been skating almost one year and what I would call seriously for about 8 months. She currently takes three private lessons per week and skates 5-6 days every week (around 10hr/week with school in session). She recently competed in the excel beginner series. She has an elite coach. Her spins are developing nicely and she has begun working in a harness for her axel- she can do the single jumps below axel and some combo jumps.

My questions are:
1) what can I do as a parent to nurture her newfound love of figure skating? I try to let the coaches coach and be in a support role for her. I see different parenting styles at my rink and have decided to let the professionals do their job and just be there to tell her she’s doing great/proud of her/etc.
2) what are some of the bigger mistakes you see parents make when dealing with a young skater? I’m letting her decide how much she wants to skate every week.

I am blown away at this whole new subculture and think the entire sport is really cool. High level skaters make things look so effortless and I am just now understanding how difficult this sport is overall. My father in law is an ex professional hockey player and has commented that he has a whole new respect for the sport. I want to support my kid in the right way and cultivate her love of the sport. I’m also understanding that she is young and may decide to go a different path at some point of her life.

Sounds like you're already on the right path. Your first question -- right choice of parenting style, in my opinion. (i.e., It was the way my own parents handled every sport or activity I did growing up.)

For your second question, I'd also recommend my parents' style, which we then in turn used with our own kids: I know your daughter is only 9, but do give her at least a rough picture of your budget and own-life limits. "Yes, we can manage financially what you're doing now. No, you can't drop out of school and have a private tutor, while taking private lessons three times a day, six days a week. We can't afford that." And if she says in the near future that she wants to move and train at one of the big centres, tell her she has to be older and reasonably far up the competitive ladder before the family can uproot itself to accommodate her.

Obviously, keep it simple and appropriate to her age and level of understanding. You know your daughter better than I do, I'm just going back to when my own daughter was a violin prodigy and was 10 going on 20 when she wanted to move across the country to study with a particular teacher.

Otherwise, I think you're already on the right track, with her grandfather as president of her fan club

 

[Sk8erDad]

Welcome! U.S. Figure Skating has some resources for parents that are useful. I've compiled many of the documents here: https://skatewithaimee.com/parent-info

Thanks so much! I’ve enjoyed many of your YouTube videos already. They have been very helpful

 

[Coach Aimee]

Thanks so much! I’ve enjoyed many of your YouTube videos already. They have been very helpful

I'm so happy to hear that! Please feel free to reach out if you have any specific questions!

 

[WednesdayMarch]

I'd just add that it's important to be kind to everyone and not engage with the more toxic elements of rink life. Every rink has them and you'll soon learn who they are. One of the lovely things I found with skating is that the really great skaters tend to support and encourage their peers, rather than try to tear them down.

 

[LolaSkatesInJapan]

I am not a parent of a skater, I am the skater, and reading your post, I wish all the parents of the kids that skate at my same rink I go to behaved like you. Nothing more annoying or stressful than a parent glued to the wall of the rink screaming at their kid telling it what to do, it's very distracting to all other skaters who are trying to practice there as well.

Edited to say: I think you are being an excellent parent of a skater, and welcome to the forum!

 

[TimSparkle]

Go watch competitions with her (both elite level and kids little more advanced than her). I believe families can help in supporting the overall athleticism + dance or such. Everyone knows their child best but e.g. setting reasonable goals (without pressure) might help getting results quicker. Do not compare to other kids, as they develop by own phase. This is a lovely sport if you like it!

 

[MiraiFan]

I love how thoughtful you are about the process--your daughter is lucky to have you! Enjoy the journey, and as stated above, set the limits that you as a parent view as appropriate. My brother played hockey seriously and his son LOVES the sport. At the end of each season, he has a talk with him and always asks him if he wants to continue and tells him to let him know if he wants to stop and do something else. As much as kids need to learn to stick with a sport when things get tough, they also need to know that they can stop when they feel they don't want to do it anymore. This is seldom discussed and may never apply to you, but I wanted to flag it.

 

[Diana Delafield]

I love how thoughtful you are about the process--your daughter is lucky to have you! Enjoy the journey, and as stated above, set the limits that you as a parent view as appropriate. My brother played hockey seriously and his son LOVES the sport. At the end of each season, he has a talk with him and always asks him if he wants to continue and tells him to let him know if he wants to stop and do something else. As much as kids need to learn to stick with a sport when things get tough, they also need to know that they can stop when they feel they don't want to do it anymore. This is seldom discussed and may never apply to you, but I wanted to flag it.

Good point! My parents did that with the myriad activities I tried out of school. Some I stuck with, some I dropped, a couple I bounced in and out of as I was growing up (e.g. acting). Never once did I hear anything along the lines of "But we've spent so much money on your lessons" or "But I love to watch you [fill in activity]". I suspect it helped that my mother was a child psychologist and my father respected her expertise in that area.

 

[emilinkaa]

Good point! My parents did that with the myriad activities I tried out of school. Some I stuck with, some I dropped, a couple I bounced in and out of as I was growing up (e.g. acting). Never once did I hear anything along the lines of "But we've spent so much money on your lessons" or "But I love to watch you [fill in activity]". I suspect it helped that my mother was a child psychologist and my father respected her expertise in that area.

My parents had a “finish the season” rule, and I bounced through a few interests as a child.

 

[Diana Delafield]

My parents had a “finish the season” rule, and I bounced through a few interests as a child.

Mine might have well done the same, but I always remember it as a before-a-new-season question, unless I already had performances or competitions lined up and was obviously looking forward to them. Otherwise, either I asked if it was all right if I dropped activity A to have more time for activity B, or if I hadn't mentioned activity C at all in the off-season, they'd ask me if I wanted to pick it up again in (usually) the autumn. But your parents' rule would be a good one. I must remember to pass that on in case any of my kids report a grandkid seems to have flagging interest in something.

 

[Sk8erDad]

Thanks for all of these great responses. I’m checking back in after a little time to say all of this advice has been on point and much appreciated.

I’ve been observing more since these comments and definitely noticed the drastically different approaches. I also had my first experiences with some rink drama. I am steering clear.

I did have an issue that came up with the secondary coach for my skater but I will dig around the forum and see what I can find. I’m sure there is already a thread.

 

[moonvine]

Mine might have well done the same, but I always remember it as a before-a-new-season question, unless I already had performances or competitions lined up and was obviously looking forward to them. Otherwise, either I asked if it was all right if I dropped activity A to have more time for activity B, or if I hadn't mentioned activity C at all in the off-season, they'd ask me if I wanted to pick it up again in (usually) the autumn. But your parents' rule would be a good one. I must remember to pass that on in case any of my kids report a grandkid seems to have flagging interest in something.

My parents had a "finish the season" rule. I did softball and was terrible at it, yet had to keep playing. It taught me not to try things because if I hated them I would have to keep doing them. It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I realized if I was terrible at something, or hated doing something, I could quit, middle of the season or no.
It doesn't look like this man's daughter has that issue as she seems talented.

 

[Diana Delafield]

My parents had a "finish the season" rule. I did softball and was terrible at it, yet had to keep playing. It taught me not to try things because if I hated them I would have to keep doing them. It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I realized if I was terrible at something, or hated doing something, I could quit, middle of the season or no.
It doesn't look like this man's daughter has that issue as she seems talented.

I probably would have been told to finish the season had I been doing a team sport, if the number of players mattered, but I never went in for those. (Synchro skating didn't exist when I was growing up, except in the professional travelling ice shows.) Unless you count choirs, but as a music student in general I would never have dropped out of those. My husband and I used the same rules for our own kids, but now that I think about it, the only group activities they did were also choirs and orchestras and they loved those, so our rules were never really tested.

 

[Sk8erDad]

My parents had a "finish the season" rule. I did softball and was terrible at it, yet had to keep playing. It taught me not to try things because if I hated them I would have to keep doing them. It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I realized if I was terrible at something, or hated doing something, I could quit, middle of the season or no.
It doesn't look like this man's daughter has that issue as she seems talented.

We talk every Sunday to see how much she wants to skate the upcoming week and let her know if she wants time off that it’s totally fine. I stress that this is her thing but, for now, she keeps going 5-6 days a week. It’s been a big commitment but worth it.

 

[skatingfan4ever]

I am neither a parent nor a skater (forgive the intrusion; I rarely post in The Lutz Corner), but I have an anecdote I discovered through being an avid figure skating fan. It may inspire you or help you with what to say when your kid is struggling.

I have no idea how much you know about figure skating or have followed elite figure skating, but Patrick Chan is one of the best skaters to ever skate. As in, the quality of his actual skating, his blade-on-ice skills, is second to none. He competed at 3 Olympics (finishing 5th, 2nd, and 9th) and 8 Senior World Championships (3 Golds, 2 Silvers, 2 5th-place finishes, and a 9th-place finish). He won numerous other international titles, and won 10 Canadian National Titles. He skated at the highest level for 10 seasons.

But, before any of that happened, one time before Junior Worlds (this was before many people knew his name), Patrick was struggling with his jumps and told his dad, "I’m not ready to go to [Junior] Worlds. It’s all a waste. Just save your money and forget about going if I can’t land my jumps." His dad responded, "Our sacrifice has nothing to do with results. We’re happy to give you everything we have so that you can do what you love. All we ask of you is to give it 100% of that day. That’s all we ask.”

These words are awesome, but their impact increases several notches if you watch as Patrick delivers them, in grateful tears. There are other gems in here, too, that I'll let you discover.

Good luck to you and your daughter on this journey, whatever it brings!

 

[skatingfan4ever]

Since I shared Patrick Chan's words of gratitude to his parents here, I'll go ahead and share this video here too. Here's what Patrick's parents said to him a few months earlier.

It seems like CBC Sports asked some parents of Olympians to write a letter to their son/daughter and then asked the Olympians to read their letters on camera during the 2018 Olympics. Patrick is wearing his Gold Medal from the 2018 Olympic Team Event.

The words of the letter are wonderful, but Patrick's reaction says more than words can. So heartwarming! So, keep supporting your daughter and being there for her. It matters a lot.

 

[Sk8erDad]

I am neither a parent nor a skater (forgive the intrusion; I rarely post in The Lutz Corner), but I have an anecdote I discovered through being an avid figure skating fan. It may inspire you or help you with what to say when your kid is struggling.

I have no idea how much you know about figure skating or have followed elite figure skating, but Patrick Chan is one of the best skaters to ever skate. As in, the quality of his actual skating, his blade-on-ice skills, is second to none. He competed at 3 Olympics (finishing 5th, 2nd, and 9th) and 8 Senior World Championships (3 Golds, 2 Silvers, 2 5th-place finishes, and a 9th-place finish). He won numerous other international titles, and won 10 Canadian National Titles. He skated at the highest level for 10 seasons.

But, before any of that happened, one time before Junior Worlds (this was before many people knew his name), Patrick was struggling with his jumps and told his dad, "I’m not ready to go to [Junior] Worlds. It’s all a waste. Just save your money and forget about going if I can’t land my jumps." His dad responded, "Our sacrifice has nothing to do with results. We’re happy to give you everything we have so that you can do what you love. All we ask of you is to give it 100% of that day. That’s all we ask.”

These words are awesome, but their impact increases several notches if you watch as Patrick delivers them, in grateful tears. There are other gems in here, too, that I'll let you discover.

Good luck to you and your daughter on this journey, whatever it brings!

Thanks for sharing these posts. I really like his dads quote and feel like that’s where I’m at in the whole situation. Wherever the road leads I’m just going to support and enjoy the ride. Even at these lower levels it seems like the kids put a lot of pressure on themselves. I just tell her to skate her best skate and we will always be proud of her.